because somebody's gotta be in charge

Beer Garden Gone Wild

Beer Garden Gone Wild

I gotcha there with the headline, right? Totally suckered you in. Well, I promise I’m going to tell you all about a beer garden and exactly what I mean, even though it’s not what you’re thinking. Sorry beer fanatics, the beer garden I’m talking about isn’t one for we humankind to consume, this one’s for killin’ some critters in the garden. YES, I have discovered the most A-mazing, non-toxic means for cleaning up the backyard planters. Let me go back to the beginning for you.

It all started when we (the fam) planted our spring garden. What I’m not really sure of is whether it’s truly a spring garden or if it’s a summer garden, planted in the spring but producing in the summer…hmmm. Anyway, baby plants go in and I’m not kidding you, those vultures, those plant-eating awful critters came crawling out. Roly poly bugs. Don’t even think about laughing at me! I kid you not, we must have thousands of these things in one of our planters. I went crazy!!! I mean, there’s no way I could pick them all out of there, these things needed to die. I sent my husband off to the nursery to get the killer, whatever that might be and the man comes home with a case of BEER! Really? How is that going to help me?? I mean, yes, open one for me while you explain your plan, please.

Beer in hand, husband explains that he was told to put a pan in the garden bed and fill it with a beer once a day. That the roly’s will then come rolling for the juice and basically commit suicide. I’M IN ON THIS PLAN, but skeptical, obviously. Off to the kitchen I go for a shallow pie tin, dig a spot out in the garden and here I go pouring that Coors Light right on in. Of course, I’m checking every 5 minutes, no roly’s rolling in yet. Back again, nothing. Ugh! Ok, time to relax, have more beer, make some dinner and call it a night. Well, you know I was out there checking my pie tin first thing in the morning and to my surprise, my amazement and my utter glee, there must’ve been over 100 dead roly poly bugs belly-up in that tin of beer. YES!!! Winning!!! Not only that, but the suckers were literally lined up around the tin waiting for their turn to jump in. People, I am not a natural born killer, but I cannot tell you how happy it made me to see these things rolling to their death. I will submit this, I was happy they were choosing death by beer and I feel good that they likely did not suffer because at least the Coors Light high made them happy before they blacked out.

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